Pet Peeve: Namaste-Away

I love my weekly yoga class. I know I’m supposed to be all Zen-like . . .

pet_peeveI love my weekly yoga class. I know I’m supposed to be all Zen-like and enlightened and grateful and loving and kind, but sometimes my Namaste feels like Namaste-Away-from-Me.

My yoga pet peeves . . .

 

  • Quiet and stillness in the air, light relaxing music playing in the background, and then the oh-so-annoying sound of someone’s phone ringing or, even worse, the incoming text ping every two minutes. It’s like a pinball arcade. WTF? You bring your phone to yoga? And you leave it on? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? WHY? I AM TRYING TO BE ZEN-LIKE. Thanks for ruining my calm and enlightened state.
  • Quiet and stillness in the air, light relaxing music playing in the background, breath in, breath out, and ahhhhh, I start to relax, clear my mind. The door bangs open, loud noises as a latecomer states in a loud “whisper” so we can all hear, “sorry I’m late,” as she clambers about the room and thumps her yoga mat loudly on the ground, awkwardly trying to find a space so you have to stop what you are doing and everyone moves and then we have to start all over again only to be interrupted by the next latecomer. WHY WOULD YOU COME TO YOGA TEN OR FIFTEEN MINUTES LATE? WHY? I AM TRYING TO BE ZEN-LIKE. You are ruining my calm and enlightened state.
  • Quiet and stillness in the air, light relaxing music playing in the background, breath in, breath out, and ahhhhh, I start to relax, clear my mind. Wait, what’s that sound? It’s creepy. Could it be the heavy breathing of the guy two spots across from me? Good god, what is with his creepy heavy breathing? He’s like a prank caller who won’t hang up. I feel agitated, almost violated. I get that we need to breathe deeply but does the breathing have to be prank-caller heavy? OH MY GOD, now there is moaning. Is this guy having an orgasm in class because it sure sounds like it? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? WHY? I am definitely not in a Zen place.
  • Quiet and stillness in the air, light relaxing music playing in the background, breath in, breath out, and ahhhhh, I start to relax, clear my mind. I hear something in the background. Is there talking with the music? Oh wait, no, it’s getting louder. Then laughter and giggles, more talking. I open my eyes to find the source of the noise. Three women are laughing and talking—not even doing the poses—as if they are having a ladies lunch out. WHY WOULD YOU TALK DURING YOGA? WHY? In fact, why are you even here? Why are you not out at lunch? I AM TRYING TO BE ZEN-LIKE. You are ruining my calm and enlightened state.
  • Quiet and stillness in the air, light relaxing music playing in the background, breath in, breath out, and ahhhhh, I start to relax, clear my mind. “Hack, hack, cough, cough.” Oh god, here we go. Another person sick and hacking and coughing that gross liquid cough and not even doing the poses because he’s so sick. We are in a small, hot, contained room—essentially an incubator. WHY WOULD YOU COME TO YOGA SICK? WHY? I don’t want your germs. I AM TRYING TO BE ZEN-LIKE. You are ruining my calm and enlightened state.
  • Quiet and stillness in the air, light relaxing music playing in the background, breath in, breath out, and ahhhhh, I start to relax, clear my mind. Breathing in deeply, I am assaulted with the overly sweet smell of perfume. It catches in my throat, I cough. What the hell? Who has doused themselves with Nina Ricci L’Air du Temps? It’s like a bath of perfume in the room. Good god, I can taste it in my mouth. I am gagging. Now I’m like the coughing-hacking guy. And I’m not the only one. Air, must have air. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? WHY? I AM TRYING TO BE ZEN-LIKE. You are ruining my calm and enlightened state.
  • Quiet and stillness in the air, light relaxing music playing in the background, breath in, breath out, and ahhhhh, I start to relax, clear my mind. But something feels off. I feel like someone is practically on top of me, touching me. I open my eyes. Ah, yes, I feel that way because there is someone practically on top of me. Someone who came in after me placed her mat right next to mine, mere inches away. Inches. Hmmm, wonder why she’s so close when there is a whole row to use up. Well, maybe she’s leaving room for those noisy latecomers. She’ll move later, I’m sure. Five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen minutes, nope, she is not moving. I can’t move any farther away or I’ll be up against the wall. Lady, why are you so close to me? I try to breathe in, breathe out, and focus on a Zen-like state. Arms stretch out to the sides and her right arm hits my left arm. She doesn’t say a word. Lady, move the hell away from me. There’s so much room. I know you’re not European. For the love of god woman, move. She apparently cannot hear my thoughts and doesn’t budge an inch. WHY WOULD YOU BE ALL UP IN MY SPACE WHEN THERE IS SO MUCH ROOM? WHY? I AM TRYING TO BE ZEN-LIKE. You are ruining my calm and enlightened state. Breathe in, breathe out, relax, and focus on my intention. But I can’t relax. I can’t focus. I feel her too close to me. Lady, why are you even in this class? I was here first. Go take another class. Quit smiling at me. NAMASTE-AWAY.

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